Musings on Things Pagan

On another blog I read, a contributor posted a query about the real stories that make up the pagan religious experience. I'm paraphrasing here, but in essence, she didn't want the stories about ceremonies or covens, but the individual relationships and experiences that make up the religious experience---the first ritual someone led, or the first time someone emerged from the sweat lodge.

So, here's mine. And it's not about a ceremony or a coven (I'm a solitary thus far) or anything magical...well, except to me. :)

Those who know me know I had a difficult pregnancy with wee one. It was fine until about 22 weeks, then everything went awry and putting it all in a nutshell, we consider ourselves lucky that she's here at all. But I had a scare at 21 weeks that I think (looking back) was a warning of what was to come. I had to make a run to the hospital L&D because of some symptoms which could have been very serious, or not.

So I get there and I get a very perfunctory exam from the harried doctor on duty (not my regular OB) who basically patted me on my head and dismissed me like the over-wrought first time mom he assumed I was. As I was walking back to my car, I kept worrying, though---I just couldn't make anyone understand my gut feeling that something was not right, and if the doctor wouldn't believe me, who would?

And I prayed. I'm not a big prayer person and I wasn't sure then if anyone was listening, but I prayed. I prayed that my daughter would survive, I prayed that my gut feeling was just a worried first time mom's imagination gone wild and I prayed for some calm and some wisdom to deal with all of the above.

And Someone heard. I can't describe it any other way. But I heard a female voice tell me that my daughter would be okay, and I felt enfolded in a mother's arms. And then I knew: this was Her. And I knew then that I couldn't turn away.

Oh, I fought it for a few more months---I had other things on my mind (like the remaining ten weeks of my pregnancy and the first five weeks of my daughter's life in the NICU.) But when life calmed down somewhat, I sought Her again. I'm still seeking. And I don't think I'll ever stop. It's a path without an endpoint in sight.

Favorite scents (Blog Roll Post)

My favorite scent isn't one, it's more like two or three or four all together. Early spring to me always smells like the Renaissance Faire: dew on grass, Nag Champa incense on the air (and some other smells too---those of you who have been at a Faire just before it opens know which smell I'm talking about, particularly since the incense was supposed to cover it up ;O) and the smell of hay and dirt.

I don't know if my description is anywhere close to the reality, but for almost 12 years of my life, that was the smell of spring, of the earth coming alive again, and when I smell it by chance again, it always takes me back. :)

Pity Party, Table for One

Well, yesterday was my birthday. That's not so much of a problem; I don't feel any worse for being 34 than I did for being 33. But the weekend...yeah, now that was a problem. So please pardon me while I have some cheese with my whine. :)

First, there was The War. No, not the war in Iraq, but the SCA War in Potrero. We'd planned to go to it, but there was rain and cold weather and none of those things seemed a good idea with a toddler. So, we didn't go. That was fine. Disappointing, but fine.

What wasn't fine, though, was that my daughter suddenly realized she was thisclose to being two (well, sort of; she has a few months yet, but she's been early on everything else, why not this?) and decided that Saturday night was a good time to have a screaming fit for oh, about two or three hours.

And even that would have been fine (annoying, sure, but also part of the age and the stage) except that we were supposed to go up to see my parents for my birthday. (And yes, if you've noticed the irony of us traveling two hours north for my birthday instead of the other way around, you're not alone. We went up mainly because my grandfather hadn't seen the wee one for a few months, and given that the man is pushing 90, we figured we'd at least make the trip.) So I called my dad and advised him that the wee one was now officially a toddler, and therefore might be prone to fits of screaming for no reason at any and all hours of the day and offered to just come up for the day instead of staying overnight. Dad didn't mind if we stayed overnight but...

...perhaps he should have checked with Mom. Mom, it seems, was not in a happy place this weekend---for a variety of reasons, most of which have some validity, and almost all of which deal with the fact that she feels she's been stuck with the majority of the care of my grandfather. This argument continued, with much vehement whispering between mom and dad, the entire weekend.

And if you're wondering why we came up, so did we. The tension was thick enough to cut with a knife, the wee one wasn't having a great time and neither were we. (Being stuck in the role of unwilling marriage counselor will do that to a person. :-(

And just when we thought things couldn't get worse, they did. The wee one had another tantrum which wound down after about three hours (but at least she slept through the night...whew.) And for the most part, mom and dad seemed to accept it for what it was---the crankiness of a toddler who is just convinced that she's missing out on something and who doesn't want to go to sleep in case she does. ;-)

After much more "fun" along those lines, we left on Monday evening. And then the weekend hit rock-bottom--the wee one got sick (twice) in the car. We're still not sure what it was--bad food? change in diet? allergy? reflux?--but she seems to be on the mend now. And we did eventually make it home...though I personally felt like kissing the ground when we did. :)

So, to recap: this weekend, we had a rainy SCA war, parents with their (latest) marital crisis, a sick toddler and oh yeah, it was my birthday too. :) Personally, I think I should have stood in bed. :)

What I Want to Do Before I Die (Blog Roll Post)

Well, here's the list (in no particular order):

1) See my child(ren) become self-sufficient productive happy adult(s).

2) See Stonehenge at Midsummer Solstice

3) See the Newgrange Spiral at Winter Solstice

4) Buy a house

5) Pay off my student loan

6) Dance at my 50th wedding anniversary

7) Lay some flowers at Catherine of Aragon's grave

8) See Pompeii

9) See the terracotta soldiers in China

And finally,

I want to leave this earth knowing I've done my best to make my part of it a little happier. :)

Teach Us To Sit Still

It's funny what bits of poetry will bring to mind. I stumbled on a poem by T.S. Eliot the other day, and it just sort of hit me that maybe I needed to hear it today.

--//--
Blessed sister, holy mother,
spirit of the fountain, spirit of the garden,
Suffer us not to mock ourselves with falsehood
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still
Even among these rocks.
Our peace in his will
And even among these rocks
Sister, mother,
And spirit of the river, spirit of the sea.
Suffer me not to be separated
And let my cry come unto Thee.

t. s. eliot

--//--

I'm not real great at poetry analysis, but I think this is about the necessity of living Now, not Tomorrow or Yesterday. And if so, I needed to hear it. I got angry with my daughter last night and she didn't deserve it.

I'm not perfect mom. I don't try to be, generally---perfect moms are, IMHO, pretty hard to put up with. I do my best and try to do right by my daughter, but perfection was never part of the plan. Last night, though...I was in pain (did something wonky with my left shoulder) and trying to contend with a fussy, stubborn toddler who refused to go to sleep hour after hour after hour. Rob would come out, settle her down, and just as I was drifting off to sleep, she'd wake up again. And this went on for oh, four or five hours last night. And just to cap everything off, today was a Friday...which meant I had to be at work. On four hours sleep and caffeine....yeah, I should have just gotten the IV and had at it. :-)

So I've been obsessing---what could I have done, instead of getting angry with her? And then I realized---maybe I could have done something different, or not, but that doesn't matter. I can only contend with today. And today, that fussy, stubborn toddler has a cold but is otherwise okay. And she trusts me to do right by her. So, today, I've sat still and tried to be worthy of that.

Just Call Me a Pincushion

Well, I have an ongoing story in my continuing battle with kidney stones. My last lithotripsy procedure didn't do much to reduce the size of the stones, so...yeah, it's surgery for me. Not the old-fashioned type where they cut you open, but some sort of laproscopic procedure that, while it sounds positively medieval, should have me healed and on my feet in less time than the older surgery would.

And I'm dreading it. I'm not so much worried about the recovery---once I get past the issue of whether I have enough time on the books to do the surgery and recover from it, I know I can get through it. It's just the disruption in our version of normal that I loathe. I hate being incapacitated and/or the prospect of having to rely on someone else. I hate that I won't be able to do a lot of my standard "mom" stuff while I'm healing from this, and that all of the parenting, cooking, cleaning, errand-running, assorted life stuff, is going to fall on Rob for 2, maybe 3, weeks.

And yes, I know I don't really have a choice---given the prospect of one of the stones trying to pass (ouch) or surgery, I'll take it any day. I just wish I didn't have to.

The Beltaine Bonfire That Wasn't...

...or, Why The Deities Love it When You Make Plans. :-)

Yeah, we missed the bonfire. We were all set to go---we were going to hit the store to get some sandwiches for our dinner, we had the beach chairs all washed off (they live outside most of the year) and the wee one was dressed in warm layers. Freya was all gassed up and ready to roll and then...

I had lunch at Chain Restaurant. And it really, really, really didn't agree with me. So, yeah, we didn't make it. :-(

A friend of mine laughs (not cruelly, mind) at the plans we make and then don't complete. But if there is a Grand Lesson to all of this (aside from Don't Eat At Chain Restaurant If You Plan on Attending A Beltaine Bonfire) it's this: sometimes, life just happens. And you have to roll with it when it does.

So in the spirit of Rolling With It, I'm planning to attend the pagan get together at our local UU church on Friday. And we'll see what develops from there. :)

Going to our first Beltaine bonfire :)

A little bit of background here:

Beltaine is the pagan holiday welcoming Spring, usually with bonfires and dancing around the maypole (a phallic symbol if ever I saw one :))---various cultures around the world still celebrate Beltaine as May Day, and though the religious significance of the day may have been forgotten, the sentiment itself hasn't been.

Anyhoo, our local Unitarian church has a Earth-centered spirituality group that's having a Beltaine bonfire Saturday night. And we're going to go. Yay, us. :)

Ever since I started studying things pagan years ago, Beltaine and Samhain (Halloween) have been running in close competition for my favorite holidays. Spring and Fall are my two favorite seasons, and Beltaine and Samhain mark those most strongly, at least in my mind.

So we're going to see the bonfire. And maybe, dance at the maypole the next morning. And maybe, just maybe, meet and get involved in a faith community that shares our values too. Who knows?

Five years ago yesterday...

....I was 28 and I had just gotten married. And after five years of wildfires (2,) bouts of serious illness (2,) open heart surgery (1,) cardiac stents (3,) miscarriage (1,) a high-risk pregnancy (1) and a beautiful baby girl (just one of those...so far) I have to say there's no one on this earth I'd rather struggle with. I won't say that we don't have some godawful fights (fortunately, I can think of about two of those in five years) or that we always agree. But we do love each other and we try to have respect for each other even when we don't agree.

So, to my husband, my partner and my love, happy anniversary. Here's to many, many years left.