Random Acts of Randomness :-)

As I sit here writing this tonight, there is just the (very slight) chance that I'm pregnant. It's too early to test yet and my cycles are irregular anyways...so another week should prove or disprove the point. If I am...I'm happy about it but also nervous. My pregnancy with the wee one took a left turn at Albuquerque (to quote Bugs Bunny) about 22 weeks into it and was high risk the rest of the way through. Now that the docs know what the problem was, they can treat it earlier, but I'm never going to be one of those women who has a boring pregnancy where they go overdue; the best we're all hoping for is that I make it to term with a healthy baby. And if I have to go on bed rest again...well, nine weeks was a pretty good trade-off for the rest of the wee one's life, and it'll be the same with this baby too.

I spent a fair amount of time after she was born being upset---with my body, that I couldn't carry her to term (though there was nothing I could have done differently); with the universe, with fate or what have you. Distance and time and healing have led me to a different reality: life is...random. And you can't predict or control random events, you just can't. The wee one spent five weeks in the NICU through no fault of anyone's...and although I'd have not chosen to have her that prematurely, she's now a healthy, happy child, so it worked out okay in the end.

So if I am pregnant, I'll do my best, again. And the docs will do theirs. And maybe the outcome will be different, a healthy child that goes to term, or close to it. Maybe the random will work more in our favor this time. :-)